This is Where I Am, But Where Do I Want to Be?

Last Thursday was my 40th birthday, a day I've been anticipating for several years. I had made a list of "40 goals by 40 years." I revised it. I turned it into a blog, which I then abandoned. I dreamed of a big party with a band and cocktails. Then I thought I'd just have an open house with a beautiful cake and then go out on the town with some friends. I designed invitations and researched bakeries.

And then, on September 28, I lost my job. It was a job I loved at a place I loved, with people I loved. I put in a lot of effort, but perhaps not enough. Regardless, someone else now has that office and those responsibilities. And new information leads me to believe that maybe it was not the happy, supportive environment I thought it was.

Without a job, I was less inclined to have a party. Several friends from out of town couldn't make it anyway. I allowed my son to throw himself a party that day instead. It's all good.

But I still feel like I need to take a look at what is going on with my situation. Why am I starting over, to what purpose? What do I really want to do? Am I doing it? What is working, what is not?

• I'm forty. I'm unemployed.

• I'm in school, pursuing a masters degree in Book Publishing from Portland State University. I should graduate in 2011. This is the fourth graduate program I've started and the one that will finally stick. I really like it, though I'm not sure what I want to do with it. Starting grad school is also one of the few 40x40 goals that I completed.

• I've been married for nearly 18 years. This has not been an easy thing and remains challenging. My husband is an artist and a multi-media student at a different college. He loves me, and I...am not sure how I feel.

• I have two of the best kids in the entire world. They surprise me. They amuse me. They frustrate me and challenge me. I can't imagine life without them. I always tell people, "don't fear the teen years for they can be awesome!"

• I have two dogs, both longhair dachshunds. The new one is still just a puppy. We're working on house training. I think it's getting better.

• We rent a house in a nice neighborhood in Vancouver, Washington, just across the Columbia River from Portland. I wish I owned my house. This goal is somewhere in my future; I just don't know when. I drive a Volvo which I'd like to pass to the kids. I dream of buying something fun and cute for myself, like a Mini Cooper. But it needs to wait until I have a job again.

• I sew and knit. Sometimes I drop stuff off at my friend's gallery. Sometimes it sells. I don't think most of what I make is Art. Every once in awhile my craft crosses that line. That makes me happy, though I'm happy with things nicely handcrafted too.

• I'm overweight. I joined Weight Watchers, but haven't been to a meeting since the first one. With my birthday and both kids' birthdays over, I want to try this again. People say it's a good program that really works.

There has to be more to my life than this. I want to be a writer. I want to go interesting places and have adventures. I want to make things with my own hands. I want to fall in love again. I want my home to be my sanctuary. I want friends and colleagues. I want to live a long and fascinating life.

How do I start?